Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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