I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
