2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
