I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
