just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
