Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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