if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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