My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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