It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
