yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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