I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
