Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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