Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
