i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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