Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
