i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
