ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
