so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
