This girl is more easily done than said...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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