I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
