Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
