I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
