I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
