Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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