Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
