Plan B is the new Plan A
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
