Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
