happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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