i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
