If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
