Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
