yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
