Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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