I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize