There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize