Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
