She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
