She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize