I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
