i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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