I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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