jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
