Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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