I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
