I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
