how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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