FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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