he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
