I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I puked a lego.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The power of my boobs compel you
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
