I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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