Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
