Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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