sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
