I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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