y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
