Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You took a bar mat shot.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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