I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
