Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
