Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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