using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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