pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
