New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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