having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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