You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
