I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is Oprah even human
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
