Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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